Scarlet Begonias and a Touch of the Blues

Why, New York

2009-10-07T00:11:00.002-04:00

I often think it is important to evaluate why we go through so much in the most expensive, crowded city in the world (or so it seems). I recently spent a week in the south and everything was easier. You could get a house with some friends, space for rehearsals and start a theatre company. A lot of people from my hometown can’t understand why I stayed in the city after college, or even went there in the first place. It’s always been a no brainer for me. I’ve had a plan since I was 8. Middle school, then high school, then college at NYU. It was always part of the plan. I left out the last part. Paris. Since I was little, I was going to move to Paris after college. So the time came and what happened… here I am. Why would I leave? I have moments of disbelief, awe, happiness – sometimes it can happen so easily, just by looking up.

You might be getting more than you bargained for. Deal with it. It’ll be good for you to actually learn something about me.

Getting up is not always the hardest part. Surprisingly, I am a morning person - 75% of the time. I take cold showers. Almost always. It’s refreshing and good for you and gets my day started with a zing. Since I have my iphone, my day usually starts with some wonderful music that makes me smile as I walk down the street, basking in the cool morning air and the moon as it faintly hovers above the brick buildings of the east village. I’ve pretty much got the train timed out, I get on the R and usually get to work in 10-15 minutes.

I am still a temp, but I got lucky that my first temp job was so giving. Because I am a temp I have to sign into the building every day, show my drivers license to the same clerk I see every day. Sometimes they tell me I need another form of ID, even through I’ve been showing up there every morning at the same time, for the last 4 months.

I go upstairs and have to wait for someone to come by and let me in, because my pass does not activate until 8am and I am always early. I walk down the clothing rack lined hall to my rather large cubicle , confident because I am in before my boss and can get things ready for her. My boss is an amazing woman and an amazing businesswoman. Like, seriously powerful and respected and good at what she does – CEO of Aeropostale. I like working for her and things are getting busy now that I may become a salaried employee by the end of the month. The environment is fun and young. Whenever someone says Hi to me I giggle and smile almost uncontrollably after they pass, excited that I am one step closer to becoming a part of this culture. Sometimes I go get coffee, and it’s awesome because I feel important as I strut through Macy’s with a purpose. They love me because I am cute and efficient and I aim to please.

Now, you may think to yourself, this doesn’t sound bad. What could possibly make you appreciate this city if you have nothing to break out of to have a “gasp! Moment.” Well. I’m not complaining.

Recently, I stay at work late and don’t take lunch, then head straight to Bushwick or wherever to go to rehearsal from 7-11pm. I’m stage managing a show that I’ve worked on before. I don’t do anything during rehearsal and it’s a lot of time and effort for no pay and a little gratification. But it’s theatre. By the time I get home its midnight perhaps, and by the time I get my shit together, I feel like it’s time to wake up again.

On really good days I come home to my roommate Brian, a person whom I have had a long (11 years) and wonderful friendship. Walking in and seeing him on the couch turns me into a puppy dog. He doesn’t say much, and a lot of times ignores my affection, but he has become my home. Sometimes we do silly things, and the fact that he is here, in my life, is one reason Why, New York. On even more fantastic days like today, I come home and our third roommate, Erin, who we have also know for-ev-er, is home for 5 minutes before leaving for work. We are fearless. We are family.

Our apartment is small but a decent deal for its location. It is cozy and our home. My door doesn’t open all the way because my bed takes up the whole space, and the floors are a rollercoaster – to the point where I notice standing on flat ground. This is Why, New York.

There is not a beach within ten minutes, no California burritos or 180 degree sunsets over the pacific or hanggliding and I cannot wear my rainbows 365 days a year or drive my car. But I walk down 9th street at night, down the middle of the street with no cars, the little shops with their Christmas lights and Tompkins Park at the end of the road, leaves and flowers littering the sidewalk, the moon (always a present figure in my life) capping the scene like the star on a Christmas tree. This is Why, New York.

I know this city better than anyone. I’ve mapped my memories, drawing them in crayon all over this city. I’ve seen art and lights and done somersaults in the grass moats of castles and gone kayaking on the Hudson and running through Times Square in shorts in the middle of winter and wanderign around for hours, flipping coins and turning corners. This is Why, New York.

I spent all 4 years of college here. Experiencing my first memorable snowfall, making friends, making theatre, staying up late, walking, walking, walking… Wondering how on earth people just know what subway letters and numbers go together and how people know exactly where they’re going – only to wind up knowing the system like the inside of my eyelids. This is Why, New York.

I’ve gone on trips and traveled the world and always come home. The bus back at night makes my heart skip a beat. Seeing the lights from the bridges and knowing what I am coming back to. This is Why, New York.

Everywhere else, people walk. Here, people run. Not just for fun or exercise. Because people have places to be, things to do, people to see. Walking isn’t good enough. I share knowing nods with other people in suits, running through midtown. I push through people and don’t care if I hit them or anything because it’s always their fault. I know what I’m doing. You don’t. I can pretend like I am angry. This is Why, New York.

While I have been living here, I have fallen in and out of loves. I know what it’s like to be in love in this city, to be floating through the streets the way they only talk about in New Pornographer songs. I have made friendships - the city seems to help us pick up wherever we leave off. I may always live miles from those I love most, and sometimes it doesn’t seem fair that people I don’t care about are in my life everyday and the ones I care about the most are not. But the city sweeps me away and this is Why, New York.

The moments, the ones that make you take a deep breath and smile, even if it’s just for a second, happen to me every day. And that is Why, New York.

Good Morrow

2009-09-03T11:52:00.002-04:00

Hello avid readers and friends.

Updates on life are rather few and far between, because for once I have a pretty routine.

Work at Aéropostale from 8-5, mostly reading TFLN whenever it's updated. Any suggestions for killing time, or good blogs to read, please let me know. They said this was just going to last a couple weeks. I don't see an end in sight. I'm not sure that's a good thing, but Corporate world is treating me well I guess. List of things I've learned to come soon.

Spent all weekend with my lovely roommates! Quality bonding and party time. Still winning those god-damn open bars every Saturday.

Francesco, while training (skiing) in New Zealand? Broke his knees?! When he crashed into a lost beginner skiier. Poooor Frenchy

On a lighter note!

TRIPS:
This weekend I will be going to Washington DC! Going to explore the city and see my aunt and family who live just outside. I was going to take my bicycle until someone stole my seat. REALLY?! I've left my bike parked everywhere in the city. Overnight for days, in Tompkins Square Park. I even lost it for a week and nothing happened to it. I park it on the west side of Union Square while I go to work and its stolen in the middle of the day. REALLY?! Ugh. Still, I think DC would be a great place to see on wheels.

NEW ORLEANS!
Erin the Enabler walked into my room one afternoon saying she's been wanting to go to DC and visit friends again for a while and was thinking about late September. I said sure that sounds fun, and within 20 minutes I had a confirmation email from United in my inbox. Tickets booked! We're goin to NAWLINS! Where the jazz and drinks run free. Looks like its FRUGAL TIME. duh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh ::dating game theme song::

As schools start up again I have been gratefully granted company with dear friends. The bustle of the city seems all the more bright with their return. The no-longer but forever freshman've got me excited for pizza and naked tuesdays (oh, and hi Tyler). Last night was decorated with Marissa my lovely wife (I'm only married to her because she's a slut), Emily's return from Spain all linen-ed and tan, Cera's all to short visit from Cali, and Erin's food filled return from Greece, and Annaleigh's sexy in the city reunion at Spice. You ladies are always the highlight of my day! I'm so glad you all enjoyed my mixed CDs (MORE TO COME) and I can't wait to listen to yours. Lets get on that "learn to give" party with delivered mojito cupcakes.

While summer went by all too fast, for the first time I am excited for fall to begin. My future is still undecided and up in the air, and my passions are unknown and conflicted, but when you surround yourself with good food and good friends, happiness is sure to come.

Kylie Boyfriend jeans at Aeropostal

2009-08-18T18:09:00.008-04:00

Talk about a good day at work! First, let me update:

I was so freakin amazing as a filing temp that they promoted me from HR and I have now been the personal assistant to the President/CEO of Aéropostale! I work only with the top leaders of the company and am rubbing elbows with people (others who have worked there for years are too scared to talk to). I have succeeded in charming all of the executive branch of the tween friendly company. They love me! And it's easier, more fun annnnd perks! Like todays catered executive board meeting (absolutely delicious, cake and everything!). It's going great. Also, Fridays are done at 2 and every other Thursday is open sundae bar by baskin robbins.

Other than that I have been trying to do summer things. Last Saturday was the most amazing adventure packed Saturday ever. Greg and I met up early and rode our bikes to the Hudson to go kayaking for free! I love it there and it was great until we were called out of the water because the helicopter crash happened right in front of us. We got locked in the pier and spent some time wandering around in our bathingsuits making friends with old hippy kayak men. It was fantastic, minus the death. We had binoculars and could see the wreckage. It was very sad.
Then we rode around the bottom of the island, stopping at all the necessary secret gardens, then made our way to governors island (neither of us had been before!).
What an awesome place!!! It was like escaping to a different time and place completely. There were war reenactment camps and soldiers and tents and drunkards in huge forts. We spent a good hour learning African dance (Senegal) in a field with a bunch of other women. We rode our bikes through castles and dungeons and practiced sommersaults in thr empty grasses that would be a moat. We walked through new artist designed Eco mini golf courses, and rang giant windchimes in thr fields. Magical, magical place.

Other fun activities have included dining with the UN of friends and almost getting on a boat at the seaport. PS 1 - the swimming pool and tarantula thing were awesome but other than that... And a failed goat cheese tomato pastry pizza. Will try again. I'm still working on mapping my memories.

Tuesday was reservations at Peter Luger but Dirk stormed out when he realized they didn't take card and we never made it to the table. Went to Wolfgang instead which was amazing as always. There's nothing like seeing a great steak on your plate and being surrounded by eastern European waiters dishing out creamed spinach and mushrooms and potatoes! Delicious!

The next night was Freemans... Check it out. At the end of Freemans Alley it's a truly charming and homey organic and hip American restaurant, with atmosphere that surpases the culinary quality. Reservations are needed but it's perfect for a date! http://freemansrestaurant.com/

Oh man gotta get back to work, the free food apparently never ends!

Tonights playlist:

2009-08-08T01:18:00.000-04:00

Single ladies - Beyonce
Forever - Chris Brown
Poker face - Lady Gaga
Love generation - Bob Sinclair
Can't stop till you get enough - Michael Jackson
Ghetto super star - Mya
Safety dance - Men Without Hats
Busta move - Young MC
Under pressure - David Bowie
Jump on it - Sir Mix-a-Lot
Electric avenue - eddy

I love the iPhone

2009-07-29T11:05:00.002-04:00

So work is pretty great now because I'm learning how to slack off and still get work done. The iPhone helps a lot cause I can do things like this- blogging from my cubicle. It is silent and effective and I can play games all day when no one is looking. And becase I am the fastest filer in the world, I still get everything they expect done with half the effort :-). I'm a quick learner, welcome to the real world.

I'm almost over the bug I had, cept for this annoying leftover cough. I spent Friday Saturday and Sunday in bed not able to move with constant high fevers that would break then come back. Thank goodness I was being taken care of. :-).

Shoutout hey to my only reader, Julia, who won an open bar on Saturday, so come on out! Life lesson: all because of Bix!

I want to be Famous.

2009-07-20T21:30:00.011-04:00

I really do.

8 out of 10 of my fingers are bleeding. My first day as a temp, filing in packed files and alphabetizing and hole punching papers for 9 hours got the better of me. And my skin. I need to get some finger condoms. Why yes! I do have a degree from NYU.

Next subject of discussion:

ASSCAT.

Last night, Asscat was the bomb with an ALL STAR cast!!!
Here are some faces that were graced with my presence last night at UCB's 9:30 show...

Amy Poehler

Horatio Sanz (skinny version!)

Seth Meyers (even more attractive in real life... I know for a fact he likes tall freckly women...)

Chris Gethard (my consistent favorite, hands down)

Bobby Moynihan

Mike Birbiglia (monologist)

Peter Gwinn

Lennon Parham

Also making a guest appearance!

Patricia Richardson in the audience! She is in my home almost everyday, being as TBS is one of the only channels we get :-)

FANTASTIC NIGHT FOR COMEDY!!!!

iphone hell

2009-07-16T19:14:00.003-04:00

Today's the day!!! The day I get my iphone!!! I got the gift cards for a graduation present, and as long as I waited until July 16th, when my contract expired, I could get the brand new iphone! I woke up excited, ready to GET IT DONE!

So I walked around to the first AT&T store I could find... signed in, waited on line for 30 minutes and when I finally got to the counter I was told they didn't have the new iphone in stock. So then I walked back to the apartment to find another store, then went to that one, and they didn't have it either. Walked back to the apartment, found another one, called, they said they had one left, so rushed over there, got lost, and was told the person on the phone lied. NO AT&T stores in Manhattan have the iphone, and the only way to get one was to go to the Apple store, or pre-order online and it would come in 2-3 days. What luck eh?
SO I go to the Apple store. Waiting on line they tell me I can't do anything if I'm not the primary account holder (which I'm not) but I lie through my teeth, give my mom's info as mine, and get through the first screening. After 30 minutes, I my own personal representative to help me out. We pick out the phone, then her computer dies, so I have to wait for another representative. Then get my phone, pick out a case, all that jazz and it takes a while to go through all my information. FINALLY! I'm ready to pay when they say they don't accept gift cards. But the iphone has already been activated and my number and sim card in the phone are active, meaning my phone isn't. So they have to find a manager and buy the iphone with a fake giftcard and fake money, then return it.
So then I go to the nearest AT&T store (20 minute walk away) and decide fine, I'll pre-order it. Sooooooo I wait again and finally get to a representative, and they say I can't upgrade because I just did and now my contract won't expire for another 2 years. I have to explain that I didn't actually and show my receipt and everything and we finally get all set, and the computer crashed. Again! So wait some more for another representative and another computer and go through the whole process again. Time comes to pay and I swipe my gift cards! NO. Because it's pre-order (the only way I can get one with my giftcards...), I can only use one giftcard. Sooo I ask if they can combine all the giftcards into one for me, and they say no because their highest gift card is $100. UGH?! WHAT?!?

By then it's time for rehearsal so iphone struggle on pause for a couple hours. Yay T.A.B!

So after rehearsal I think.... I'll go to the AT&T store, buy $300 worth of random accessories, then return them for cash and pre-order the phone. So I go, and they say you need a credit card to preorder the phone (mine expired like two days ago...). Giving up, I go home! I try ordering online but it says I can't (you can't show a receipt to a computer). So after half a pint of the best ice cream EVER - Ciao Bella Key Lime Graham Cracker gelato, I decide to screw it and go back and just pay without the cards. Jump on my bike and pedal as fast as I can to the Apple store. It's hot as hell and I'm exhausted, but I pedal like nobodys business. Get to the store, jump in line and BAM! They cut the line off RIGHT BEFORE ME! They've sold out for the day.

I just started laughing. Laughing hysterically. Why does Apple and the iphone hate me? It was just not in the cards today.... All day I was hating Manhattan. Crowded, having to walk everywhere, hot, smelly, lines everywhere, so many people.... frustrated.

Then jumping on my bike back home.... looking at the beautiful firey red-orange glowing sunset sinking in the west, the light reflecting off the buildings and seeing all the people gathering for parties in chic west village bars, live music coming from bookshops where people are crowded around drinking wine, everyone enjoying the NYC summer and sigh. Lovely. Just lovely.

Returned home to my beautiful pint of Ciao Bella Key Lime Graham Cracker Gelato :-D

QUACK! QUACK! QUACK! QUACK!!!!

2009-07-14T11:41:00.004-04:00

Yeah, the Mighty Ducks is on one of our 4 channels. Thanks for that warmup, Tyler. Hah. Too bad I can't stay and watch it, its a high stakes high energy movie :-).

BUUUUUT I am busy! Yesterday I lighting "designed," teched, operated and ran a cue2cue for my first show as all mighty lighting god! The play is called "Haters," by Susan Pak, for the 10th annual Midtown International Theatre Festival or (MITF). There are three shows, today (Tuesday), Friday and Sunday at "Where Eagles Dare", Studio Blackbird, on 36th and 8th. Not that anyone who reads this is in town or available to come see it. "Sometimes the best friends make the best enemies," is a little soap opera-esque, but the cast and director do a great job. There are four characters, Mo Shin and Laura, best friends paired against each other, Mark - Mo's fiance and Laura's lover, and Glen - the IT dork that the girls prank on online. Aaannnnd of course Laura had a kid at nineteen by her stepfather, we find out later in the play. But my wonderful roommate is a wonderful director, and everyone living in my apartment is involved. Brian, Erin and I are working on a show again for the first time all together in 5 years! So we all walk in to the space for the first time and I'm looking around for the lightboard and can't find it :-). It's a small but decent space, reminding me a lot of the Jovennes 98 space in Puerto Rico. The tech guy shows me the light board which is a simple, manual, two preset, 8 channel board. No recording cues! So everything is a crossfade, one preset at a time! I play around with some looks, get the basics down and we start running, with my fiddling, learning, creating as I go. I ended up with about 20 cues for an hour piece. Now that I've done my first program and tech, I know what to do differently next time. You HAVE to be super organized! I re-ordered and clarified all my work after on a magic sheet of sorts, but it would have definitely helped to have been more prepared with a system while running. Now I know! I gained a lot of confidence from this experience, and it was fun!! Don't know how I would hold up with, say 50 lights and different colors and whatnot, but... I suppose in that case I wouldn't be setting all the levels for each channel and each look manually. :-)

The next show I'm involved in THIS WEEK, is "T.A.B." or "Trendy Asian Bitch," also written my Susan Pak. This is a re-mount reading of the original full piece, aslo directed by Erin. She has been working directly with the playwright for these two plays, getting them shown as much as possible. Her work deals with a sort of "American/white versus Asian" dynamic, dealing with girls' identity challenges. I am taking over Julia's original role of Kathy, the girl next door type, that apparently "was Julia" so I've got big shoes to fill :-P. We're throwing together some rehearsals in between Haters for TAB to go up on Saturday at Barrow Group Theatre, Studio B. The script for T.A.B. is very interesting with a lot of "special effects" and surreal writing. I like it a lot, I wish I could have seen the first production.

WELL, I'm off to my first time at S'MAC! with Cait! WOOHOO!

Catchya on the flip side.

If my words did glow with the gold of sunshine

2009-07-06T21:16:00.004-04:00

Groan. I shut my eyes tight and open them again, hoping to see something different in front of me. Open them to a new life, new world, new me. But when I do open them, everything is exactly how I left it 10 seconds ago. I strain for more light, leaning closer to the window to catch more bounce from the orange street lamp. It doesn't work and I give up, closing my favorite surprise of the day - my first copy of The Food Network Magazine. I'm halfway through but the rest will have to wait for later. Without looking I feel around for the remote control but my fingers find nothing. It's disappeared into the nest I have created on the couch. The nest I have been sitting in since 11am. I stretch my legs to the far end of the couch and close my eyes again, only to open them to the same disappointment. This is too much. I somehow manage to push myself out of my nest and struggle to flap out the door.

I walk around the village trying to clear my head. As I stroll through the streets in the warm air, people are bustling. Some restaurants are packed with people, others completely empty. I pass store after store after store, watching the lonely waitstaff and chefs hanging around an empty restaurant, just waiting for closing time. "In this economy...." 9:30 on a Monday night is not exactly a hopping time for many of these restaurants, but still its sad. These look like nice places, the decor is inviting and the places immacutely set for ghost customers. How long will they make it? Some stores, Australia on St. Marks, haven't been able to push through. A new cafe where an old one used to be is brightly lit but empty, a lonely dog sitting in the window and a solitary employee playing longingly with a glass of water. No customers, no employees. I'm reminded of the main thing I was trying to escape by walking. My unemployment. I am so unemployed its unbelievable. I spent all day looking today, but nothing is easy. It feels like summer vacation, I think the fact that school will not be waiting for me in a month hasn't quite hit yet. Friends have gone home for the summer, but they'll be back and we'll all be together in class again, rolling on the floor and complaining about processfolios or student teaching... nope. I don't know what I want to do. I enjoy being around people, and doing school. Those are things I'm good at. I like interior decorating, cooking, walking, meeting new people... what is that for a career? I feel hopeless and...
My mind flashes back through high school, college and up to now. I expected so much from myself, and I think others did too. Expected to "go far." And I did - New York, as far away from California as you can get still in the USA. And I think I did do some great things. High school was kick ass and so was college. I'm good at doing things well, on a prescribed path. But breaking away from that path? I'm like Kafka Tamura, lost in the woods. Only I'm not able to ditch the backpack and the spray paint and follow two ghost soldiers into the town that time forgot. Where is my sense of urgency and necessity?

Walking through the village to clear my head just reminds me of all the other times in my life I've needed to walk around in solitude trying to figure things out. I'm reminded of running away from my first love, running away from my second love, and my third, summer nights spent driving around, racing to get home before curfew, the excitement of getting ready and going out in foreign cities, dancing till dawn, pool parties and watching the ocean at night... Hoping someone would notice I was alone. Walking around waiting for something. Waiting for someone. Walking around waiting for myself to become something, for cats to talk and fish to fall from the sky. For every flower I picked, for every pair of eyes I've looked into at dusk, for every wish, for every missing you. Waiting. Just last summer, everything was so alive. I found overwhelming delight in each summer night, each glowing leaf and noisy cafe. Excited for what was coming. Now, everything is over and I don't know how to move forward. Day by day I hope, until something exciting comes along. Until then, waiting for the buzzer to honk or the phone to beep. Apathetically.

If my words did glow with the gold of sunshine
And my tunes were played on the harp unstrung,
Would you hear my voice come through the music
Would you hold it near as it were you own?

Its a hand-me-down, the thoughts are broken,
Perhaps they're better left unsung,
I don't know. Don't really care
Let there be songs to fill the air.

There is a road, no simple highway
Between the dawn and the dark of night
And if you go, no one may follow,
That path is for your steps alone.

Ripple in still water
When there is no pebble tossed
Nor wind to blow.

But if you fall you fall alone,
If you should stand then whos to guide you?
If I knew the way I would take you home.

PS - don't try to make quesadillas with "Pam cooking spray - for baking."

Love is... -Time Capsule 2009

2009-06-21T13:41:00.009-04:00

Dear Reader,
I am writing this entry at midnight San Diego time, 3am New York time. I have not slept for 43 hours. Things have been a whirlwind of events, but surprisingly I am not that tired. Thursday morning I woke up at 8am to babysit, then grabbed dinner with Julia and Brian, cleaned Alice and dropped her off with Sebastiano, had a margarita with Liz and Brycie, and came home to pack and clean. I hate coming home from vacation to a messy apartment . I should leave the house by 4:30am, so I decided to stay up until then. I had things to do and my energy was running high, I thought, sure I can make it until 4am, no problem. Stupid me, not realizing that “making it until 4am" also meant making it through the whole next day.

Fast forward to arriving in California. My mom picked me up, it was a little overcast which was disappointing, but we grabbed some sandwiches and headed to her brand new apartment downtown. It is GORGEOUS. I seriously can’t believe my eyes. It is so classy and huge and beautiful and overlooks downtown and the bay. I’m really proud of my mom. It’s amazing how different a person’s “style” can be without the necessities of children or men. Anyway, quickly off to the hairdresser for a cut! Since the divorce, my mom has found friends all over the place. She’s got a close group of girlfriends that all live downtown and they hang out, and she has surrogate daughters all over the place. Young girls that realize how cool she is and are close with her. Meschelle was one of them, she introduced me as “my sister!” and knew everything about me. It was a party. Literally, I had to keep my wine glass from getting bang trimmings in it.
With half an hour to spare, Mom and I did a quick shopping trip and got a dress for Rachel’s wedding. You’ll see pictures later… at the wedding. Then I was dropped off at my Dad’s office for beer and wii with his work buddies. Tennis is hit or miss, but I always kick his ass at bowling and boxing. Then we all met up at my godparents house, Nancy and Ike, for some steak, and the biggest, most sentimental surprise of my life:

21 years, 2 months, and 18 days ago, I was born. 20 years ago, 8 months and 18 days ago, Nancy, with the help of my mom, collected some important “artifacts” from 1988, and my life as a baby thus far (6months old), and wrapped them up and put them in a box, sealed tight with the instructions, DO NOT OPEN UNTIL APRIL 2nd 2009. Tonight, after dinner, the first time being together with everyone since I turned 21, I was made aware of that box for the first time.

Now, I have not seen baby relics. My parents don’t have old toys or clothes or any tangible sentimental objects or recordings of what I was like as a baby, so this was truly a surprise. I grew up an only child of four parents, and the love that they all gave me poured out of the cardboard vessel and flooded the room and our eyes. Having “grown up” and graduated college and living life out in the Big Apple, it is so nice to feel like a child again, and feel the connection with your parents as parents and no longer people. For a night I was able to see them remember me as I was 21 years ago, and see how much they love me and have enjoyed watching me grow, and see them relive a past that I am the center of, yet also completely removed from memory.

Contents: (In order of opening)

• One cassette tape. “Lisha Tape: Oct ’88 Side 1”
* We had to figure out if we still had a cassette player anywhere…

• One Birth Announcement
* Printed at home by Dad on a really old computer, it has a line design of a hangglider with my baby face in the pilots seat – “Just Launched!” What dorks.
Model: Lisha Corinne Brown
Launch Window: Saturday April 2, 1988, 7:09am (PST)
Hook-In Weight: 7lbs 8oz
Span: 20.5 inches
Ground Crew: Jeff and Joy Brown

• One set of baby pajamas.
* This is where we all lost it and the crying didn’t stop anytime soon. The one piece is so so small. It is really hard to believe I was ever that tiny.

• 13 Little Lisha photograps
*YES! I had a Mohawk! Obligatory naked on a blanket shot, sleeping,yawning, etc. My parents look soooo pretty and happy. Then there’s my favorite where my dad’s foot is the length of my entire body (he’s 6’6”…big feet, but still).
I think I should submit this one to Awkward Family Photos.com
Am I the only one who thinks that my dad looks like Geoff from Ace of Cakes?

• One $50 Savings Bond

• One – “A Not Very Typical Day in the Life of Lisha Corinne Brown, October 2nd, 1988, Her 6th Month Birthday
* Mom and Nancy recorded everything I did at time intervals. On my 6th month birthday, we all went hanggliding. 1:45 Started to chase dad….driving….driving….driving…. we got a kick out of that one. As I was reading it my dad was getting excited, thinking he might have had a long flight that day. Sure enough after many hours of driving, 5:45 – found Dad in Palm Springs. WOOHOO!!! SKY GOD!!! 6:15 – stopped to eat at Wendys. Lol. 9:50 – played on the floor in the family room while Mom and dad watched the Closing Ceremonies of the Olympics. Way to go 1988.

• One copy of Olympics edition Sports Illustrated

• One Copy of the San Diego Union Tribune form Oct 2nd.

• One cement cast of my foot, amaturely done by Nancy in a margarine container.

• One bottle of 1983 Cabernet Savignon. Will NOT be drinking that :-P.

We found a cassette player and we able to play the tape. It was Nancy talking about all the different experiences I’ve had and what it was like these past 6 months and what they hope for me. Then a recording of the Joan Baez song, “Forever Young.” I have never been so touched in my life. Following the song was a good 30 minutes of Nancy recording me crying hahaha, and then the radio’s top 10 of the week.
What a night. It’s truly incredible to know how much your family loves you. Irreplaceable.

Todya

2009-06-17T21:08:00.003-04:00

on the corner of 74th and Amesterdam, I fed an eager bird that took the food, sent a chirp signal, then flew off to her babies! The nest was in a streetlight pole. I never thought I would get to see baby birdies eating in NYC.

Then I fell over my bag lady cart, spilling myself, my laundry and coinage all over the pavement... AGAIN.

NOW I am drinking and eating cake with BRIAN.

DONE!

Ghettoooooo

2009-06-11T23:41:00.001-04:00

The Chuck E Cheese I went to at 10 am this morning with the family I nanny for was way up in Harlem. All the kids there tried to steal tokens and tickets from my two white 4&6 year olds. You had to have serious street smarts to make it there.

Lisha is...

2009-06-10T23:52:00.001-04:00

tired of being ignored.

Putting others before herself and others not caring

Thunder and Lightning

2009-06-10T02:39:00.002-04:00

New York City. Thunder and Lightning over the city. In a huge cloud, with the power to light up the city as bright as time square. Nature, with the power to shake and stir the apartment buildings and the people in them. Thunder to rock the bed I sleep in and the windows I look out of.

Tonight and last night have been scary with the storms. The thunder last night was so loud I could have swore lightning stuck within inches of me. Then I found out it was the same for everyone. Nature - with the power to wake up EVERYONE on the ILSE OF MANHATTAN.

BRIIIIIIAN

2009-06-08T00:30:00.001-04:00

BRIIIIIAAAAANNNNN

and www.mlia.com and www.tfln.com

Progressive Education Fail

2009-06-03T13:00:00.002-04:00

So today I had my very first ever Elementary teaching job interview. It was with Harlem Success Academy... in Harlem, and CJ forwarded my information. The phone interview yesterday went great! We hit it off and sounded like a good match and so they asked me to come in on Wednesday for a demo lesson with kindergartners. I had to send them my lesson and I had 45 minutes. I have never taught kindergarten before, so I raced to the nearest Barnes and Noble, bought The Alphabet Tree, and threw together a lesson.

I started off with a social contract. We agree to be in control of our bodies and our voices, etc. When I clap my hands that means stop and look up here. Right? Sounds good? Well, all the students (28 5-6year olds) agreed. I taught them the volume meter, and we practiced volume level and not "going" until I say "Action!" Sounds good right. Off to a good start. Then we began sharing our favorite letters. Good. Then we shaped them with our bodies. There was a little chaos but everything was still under control. Now that we had our favorite letters it was time to sit down to begin the story. This is where things started getting out of hand. Kids were sitting on each other, talking, pushing. I reminded them of their contract but they wouldn't be quiet. I got through the first couple of pages and then it was time to stand up and make our letters and hop from leaf to leaf. That was fine, but upon return, the same pushing, cluttering, talking. It was out of control from there. I tried to keep going but students were talking and jumping up and coming up to me and pulling the book and climbing on each other. Students were disconnect in the back, lying under the table, not wanting to be a letter. When the branches blew away and we huddled, students fell on each other and dog-piled. When we tried to spell out a word students were jumping up and down and running all over the place and not listening. Time was already over so I was just trying to get something out of it, but I should have stopped everything and re-grouped. After a round of applause and a dog-pile of joy, one student was crying. GREAT.

So she asked me to reflect and I don't really even remember what I said I was so flustered. She said that lesson would NEVER FLY in this school. How was I supposed to know that, right, but this is a Charter school and we run a very tight ship. How do you feel about structure? I said it was crucial and necessary and within schoolwide routines (which I had tried to bring in such as the clap and look... to which they just kept clapping), there was the ability for students to explore. She said she could see that I had wanted to students to explore and be free and action was a part of their philosophy, but if I wanted progressive education I should look elsewhere. She asked me if that structure was something I wanted? I said, yes, to have students focused and on task is ideal. She said that was something I needed to think about and be more prepared to talk about because we were out of time. She gave me my card and said we would need to figure out if that was something you wanted out of a school.

What. Happened. I was so blown away. Of course you want structure and discipline. I'm so confused. Granted yes the lesson was out of control and I would have done some things differently, but.... but... I understand that there needs to be structure and expectations. I can be more clear but I was trying to do that. This school is very very strict then? Is that what that means? I mean, I observed for 10 minutes and they were quiet sitting on the rug in their spots, at their desks working, "busy pens means busy minds" and they sang a song about sounds, words, sentences, paragraphs, essays, indentation, capitalization, punctuation. That's great. Why wouldn't I want that.

I wish I had more time and more guidelines. Like, what they were learning, or if I should have done a math lesson instead. I thought I would showcase my fun, get on your feet learning, which I guess is not appropriate for a Charter school. I just feel so terrible. The school was so cool and I would love to work there, I just need help! I can form to be the teacher they need with guidance!

To top it off I only got 2 hours of sleep because I was fixing up my portfolio which they didn't look at at all. I didn't even get to sit and talk with someone or collect my thoughts after the lesson. Which showed. Obviously.

FAIL.

BOTANICA!

2009-05-29T01:19:00.010-04:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_SJ4NLLbO8g&feature=related

Moses Pendleton's illusionist dance company Momix has unveiled a dazzling new show at the Joyce theatre in Manhattan. Botanica is billed as a 'herbal remedy and natural aphrodisiac for our current universal blues' and features colourful costumes and marvellous moves. Take a peek at five of the routines

http://www.guardian.co.uk/stage/gallery/2009/may/15/momix-botanica?picture=347409112

This show was amazing. I was sitting in the front row, which I thought I wouldn't like but it was fantastic. It ran through the four seasons with a mix of large puppets and fabrics and props and sensual dancing. There was a large projector that projected images onto the huge cyc and you could see the dancers and their costumes/props/puppets move through the image. The imagery was symbolic of seasons and difference species. Eagles on rollerskates turned into beautiful elaborate sunflowers into trees. The opening was a large white cloth stretched from one end of the stage to another with giant fans blowing underneath it. It looked so much like snow it was unbelievable. Dancers would pop up and fight against the fabric, their faces and bodies reaching out through the white like something you would see in a horror movie. Out of the white fabric arose a huge flower like, flexible skeleton, fabric structure that reached almost to the top of the theatre. Dancers emerged from underneath the snow to interact with the flowers hanging from the arms of the veined flower.
There were so many other dances, dances of angry bees and a cool black light number making shapes with just arms and legs glowing in the dark. At one point an almost naked woman did a dance of shapes on a raked stage with a mirrored bottom, which you can see in the youtube. The movements were sensual and it was almost as if she was making love to herself in some sense. Aka, Robert Keith would have been happy.

Here are some more pictures I found online... not even covering the best parts.
There was a naked woman riding in on a Lion King-esque puppet dinosaur. They had a weird sexual love dance then she saw the naked man lying on a pile of rocks that was actually another dancer, and the dinosaur got jealous and ate her. Then the man fought off the rocks (picking the dancer up and carrying her in the fetal position around his neck, with NO HANDS, and dancing around), and the humans were reunited.

Dance of the Marigolds. The costume progressed 4 or five times, dropping down each time. The style of dance changed with the costume, so when the orange cluster of tulle was in the middle like a tutu, it was ballet, and when it was down by their ankles, it was flamenco/salsa.

Large fabric with veins that spread out across the whole stage and came out over us. Beautiful pictures were projected onto the fabric as it soared through the theatre.

So I'm making a list of things that when put on stage will command attention, no matter what:

babies
animals
water
nakedness (I don't mind seeing people naked on stage but it does command attention, which draws away from what the dance might be trying to say because everyone in the audience is thinking.... are they naked? Why are they naked? what is that trying to say? maybe their wearing a dance thong? ok... nope, thats a butt.... )
moving, large pieces of fabric.

Anyway, it was truly a wonderful experience.
Love, Lisha

2009-05-28T18:58:00.001-04:00

I'm so UNSURE about everything.

I LOVE PROSPECT PARK

2009-05-26T18:22:00.003-04:00

Yesterday Greg and I had a memorial day picnic! Prospect Park is amazing, I can't believe it took me four years to get there. Its huge and fun, full of people playing games and enjoying the sunshine. Little bbqs and frisbees everywhere. Everything is so much more chill than Central Park. Love love love.

P.S - I can hula hoop and play frisbee at the same time. <3

Together we can do great things, like beat Wolves!

2009-05-24T11:33:00.009-04:00

Yesterday was GREAT fun! Greg and I met up around 2:30 to begin our adventure. I synced up my watch and my ipod, put on a white shirt, chose yellow to go over it, hopped on my bike and met him on the corner. He chose yellow as well, a surprising coincidence since he had so many to choose from. We both thought yellow would be under-represented. Anyway, it was cool that we were both the same color. Then we began our ride up to 60th & 2nd. Along the way we ran into a huge Turkish Festival! There was dancing and food and tons and tons of Turks in red and white, laughing and talking and having a good time. We tried these little green fruits that were hard and sour, almost like little apples but was smaller. Also some good ol' sesame bread.
Then we took the tram over to Roosevelt Island. Neither of us had been before, it was a fun skyfari sailing over the buildings and the river. The island was nice, I really wish we had gone earlier and had a picnic and I had brought mah hoop. The weather was perfect and the grass was filled with colorful shirts. After exploring for a bit we decided on a spot to settle and made flower chains and headstands (respectively... I can't do headstands).

Then as 4pm rolled around, on the dot, we pressed play. The adventure began. We stretched and high fived and square danced and followed unsuspecting strangers around. Of course the random Naptimes! As we all congregated in the big field, after listening to the story of Peter and the Wolf, we danced like we were from the 2020s and hit blue and green shirts with blow up bats. Of course in the end, we discarded our colors and joined forces to defeat the wolf. The culminating slow motion celebration should also be noted. I adore doing things for Improv Everywhere, I was so glad we made it. We chilled around the island, exploring and eating candy on the riverbank. I re-discovered the joy and delicacy of making a whistle through a piece of grass.

After the bike home I took a nap. It was the kind of nap that felt so familar and wonderful. Akin to the feeling of all the times growing up in San Diego, taking spas. I would take a spa at dusk, soaking up the warmth and the water on my skin, seeping in, warming my soul and making me pruney. As it would be time to get out, my parents would go inside to make dinner and I would gingerly step out, shaking the beads of water from my limbs. I would wrap up tight in my warm, clean worn towel and tiptoe across the concrete. The french doors would squeak as I sneak inside and almost every time, lay down on the carpet inside the door. The living room would be lit in such a way, the warmth of the water still hugging me inside and out, the comfort of the towel on my skin would lull me into a gentle and safe relaxation. By the time my mom was finished cooking dinner, I would be ready to eat, still in bikini and towel at the dinner table. That warm, safe comfortable feeling happened yesterday after being outside in the sun all day, coming home to my perfect apartment and being so calm and a peace to fall asleep without a care in the world.

And then Greg came over and we watched Mary Poppins with brownie sundaes. I haven't seen that movie in soooo many years, it was good times. What is Burt and Mary's relationship? "Lovers" right? But how does he know all her tricks? What if she never ages and she was his nanny? Weird. Oh boy. Everyone's laughing and floating on the ceiling. Summer has begun!!!

Pomp and Circumstance

2009-05-20T14:05:00.016-04:00

Ok so here it goes! I'm going to try and attempt to recap the last week or so - the craziest week ever. Boy, when the shit hits the fan, the shit really hits the fan.

So last Sunday my Mom and her boyfriend Bill arrived in town. We hung out for a while but I had been exhausted from the previous week of finals and hanging out with friends and generally not getting any sleep. My final paper I turned in for college however, I received back with beyond excellent reviews. I am so proud and honored to have recieved such comments from someone I admire so highly. So after trying to take a quick nap/clean up/clear my head (to no avail), I met my Dad at his hotel. He was two hours late cause of traffic and we had tickets to.... FUERZA BRUTA! So we rushed over there in time for the show.

FUERZA BRUTA. I have been trying to see that show for a good two years now and I was so excited to finally get the chance. My family and I went in with high expectations and left with our minds blown. I love going to the theatre and seeing something I have never seen before, and this was it. The whole idea, the power, the aw factors, the dancing the smashing the water. This is what I want to do for the rest of my life. Any job, where you can run around and flip through the air and scream and dance, is the best job in the world. How do I get into this? I need to find an aerialist school :-). I LOVED THIS EXPERIENCE. And I saw Blake and his mommy there :-). After the show we went across the park to The Heartland Brewery for hamburgers and Grateful Red Lager!!! I bought my Dad and I matching Grateful Red Glass sets :-)

Monday was the Steinhardt Baccalaureate Ceremony at Radio City Music Hall. Of course the L train wasn't working so I scrambled around frantically for a cab for a good 30 minutes before getting uptown. Right out from was Annaleigh and Dean, and then we were joined by Lauren Lydiard, Marissa Schwartz and Ashleigh Hill, then Kyla McCracken, and Caroline and LPB and Jessica and Erin and Ali and the entire Senior Class of Educational Theatre - minus of course the most loved Kyle and Rachel. We missed you guys a lot a lot. We were always thinking about you. The ceremony was nice, we all got to gather and hang out in the "lobby" with the other MPAP kids. It was so great to see everyone like Darrell and Richard and Andy and Chelsea. It was just us having a good time, taking pictures, eating tassels...you know. The ceremony was nice and we were sitting in the second row! The student speaker was amazing, along with the jokes about the "outfits." But the best part was having Nan front and center making the lion face while a speech was going on. Its about our time to go on when I realize I have dropped my name card, what you give them so they say your name and you can walk! I feel around the floor for a good 2 minutes, trying to be discreet, not hitting people with my cap or gown, getting into the tight quarters behind the seat in front of me! My precariously attached cap comes off, and its a mad scramble to find my name. Thanks to Richard and Dean who helped me eventually find it. So, now we're ready. You can imagine our surprise and excitement when we were getting ready for MPAP's walk across the stage and Nan gets to be the professor to come up and give us all a handshake! So we line up and our names are called and we walk across the stage. Of course, I trip on an electrical cord and my hat comes flying off just as I am about to shake hands with the Dean. :-) Oh well, it made me smile. Gotta Love em.
Afterwards was a plethora of hugging and seeing people and organizing. Oh! Bob Saget was there. Yup.

That night, after a quick 16 Handles trip with Greg, we all met up again at Mariss'a apartment for a nice Champagne toast. It was cool to see everyone's parents and figure out why they are the way they are, why they look the way they look :-P. My dad got me a BEAUTIFUL brand spankin' new Canon Digital Rebel T1i. It's gorgeous and the reason why I have so many pictures of graduation. He commandeered it though and took pictures non-stop :-P Joe and Nan and Christina were there. I thought that was so nice that that happened. That everyone came and it was such a supportive, fun community party. I'm certain our class has trailblazed a lot of new traditions and sense of community.
Bye Ashleigh!! I miss you! Till June!

Tuesday's main event was GRAD ALLEY! But before I went I ran into a couple freshmen in the park. I am going to take this moment to talk about the Freshmen class of Ed. Theatre. I love them. They are so great. They have so much compassion and friendship and they are so creative. You know who I'm talking about. Joyce is cool, Lianne is a sweetheart (with a crazy side :-)), Cait has been so much fun to hang out with and we have big eating plans, Pablo is just Pablo, Robert Keith no one could ever replace you, and Tyler, well, you're the boss. I am seriously looking forward to seeing what ya'll make of the program and I hope we can be friends and keep in touch.

I was lucky enough to go to Grad Alley last year with my besties Erin and Julia (Erin and I pictured left, last year). It was the best time ever, so I had high expectations :-). This year was a good time but not as extravagant. Annaleigh and I were on the same pace so we did a lot together and would meet back up with Dean and Lauren and Erin and Emily.
There was cotton candy and cracker jacks, hot dog, tattoos, face painting, dunk the clown, redbull, and friends. I don't know if there ended up being a dance party and fireworks, we' didn't stay. But we DID go on the hay ride! When we saw Pablo walking by Pless and begged him to join us. He did. I gave him a wrist band and he disappeared. I found him an hour later drunk and full of free food, wandering around looking for a place to sleep in the park :-). We dined at BBar that evening, one of my favorite places to eat in the city. I love the outside patio and the lights and trees :-). It was cool to see the purple Empire State Building as well!

FINALLY! GRADUATION!!!! Annaleigh and family met up with Dead and I at Astor and we all rode the train up together. We got to the stadium and there were just tons of people so we made our way onto the line, we were pretty close to the front. I ran up to see just how close and ran into Vera at the front gate!!! We all got a picture with her. As we filtered in we realized we were the first ones from Steinhardt and we got our pick of seats. So we picked the front row, closest to the center! From then our fate was sealed. Picture after picture after picture. We appeared, the four of us, Lauren, Dean, Annaleigh and I, on the Jumbotron 12 times! It would be a close up on us dancing or cheering or what have you, then a wide shot then back to us, over and over. We commandeered the entire opening ceremonies. It was a looooot of fun.

When it was finally time for us to receive our commencement, all the photographers lined up in front of us. I looked to Annaleigh and I said, hold me hand! and then told Dean to hold her hand too! They ATE IT UP. Because of that we are in every picture related to NYU Commencement 2009 ANYWHERE on the Internet, AND on the front page of AM NY!!! WOOT.

After was a nice lunch and then break and dinner at Les Halles. After some home made cake, I said goodbye and my Mom and Bill took the train back to Philadelphia. That night I hung out with a friend and we stayed up watching movies, like Waynes World. We stayed up all night, talking and painting our nails and giggling, like little girls. Just kidding. It was a good night, although a little dreary.

The next couple of days were filled with my Dad and his girlfriend Mary doing things like going to Central Park and the Brooklyn Botanic Garden. That was nice. We got pizza at John's on Bleecker and gelato next door. AND we saw STAR TREK! It was awesome. Totally awesome. Except for the large group of people sitting behind me making really bad, unfunny, and inappropriate comments - loudly. I was so stressed and tired and just on edge that I started crying. It just reminded me too much of teaching and I just wonder why so many people feel they have the right to say whatever they want whenever they want. I did not pay 13 bucks to hear you say stupid shit. This is my time, shut up. Teaching was the same way. They felt they could say whatever they wanted whenever. With me looking right at them, they would see me and deliberately have a conversation about perfume or lunch or whatever. I just can't stand so much disrespect in life. Sigh. Anyway, I loved the movie. It reminded me of so many things. But yes, freshmen year living next to Garrett who taught me basically everything I know about it. Garrell and Darrett. I will always be your Dax. Thursday night after the movie I really lost it. All the sleepless nights and busy days and stress of entertaining among other things really got to me. I haven't cried that much of felt so.... empty in a long time. I had nothing left in me to give to anything. So I tried to regain composure slowly but surely each day. I'm still not there yet. Saturday I was supposed to go to my Dad's girlfriend's neice's graduation dinner. On the way to meet them I totally lost it again and bailed. I didn't realize that my dad having a girlfriend would entail a whole other family. I just met her 2 days before - not ready. My dad was SUPER understanding though, gotta love him. Oh and some time in there we went to Bohemia which is this HUGE outdoor beer garden in Queens. It had great Czech beers and food! De-liscious!
Erin and I went to a play reading in Brooklyn called "the Mermaid Parade at Coney Island or My View From the Gershwin Hotel." It was nice, small audience of just friends + us. About a playwright writing his first play and all these characters' experiences around Coney Island.... from what I can remember. Then Erin and I went out to BBQ for steak,chicken,ribs,margaritas and ended up in Harlem at Julia's re-enacting Les Miserables in her living room like I did when I was 10. I also went to the Botanical Garden with Greg and had Jamaican patties which were delicious then hung around and watched Ace of Cakes and really just did nothing. It was nice.
Also somewhere earlier in there Caldwell and I broke up for real. It's really complicated and I don't really want to talk about it but I'm doing ok. More than ok, and that's the sad part. These last couple days have been great cause I've had them to myself for the first time. Still not even close to getting my shit together or everything I need to get done, done. Just not enough hours in the day. I NEED TIME. My whole world is changing. School, the institution and the rules and the plan that has been in place for me for as long as I can remember is over. My whole concept of family is changing. The task of finding and having and keeping a job that pays rent lies in front of me. Friends are moving or are not around and those relationships are changing from now on. Everything is new and terrifying, and I'm trying to breathe and walk toward the stage and go Bogart on the world's ass but I need time to figure that out. To figure myself out. This is a really, really, unique time in a persons life. I hope I make it through. ....the Degrassi theme song seems appropriate right about now:

WHATEVER IT TAKES
I KNOW I CAN MAKE IT THROUGH
IF I HOLD OUT (IF I DO)
I KNOW I CAN MAKE IT THROUGH
BE THE BEST
THE BEST THAT I CAN BE
HEAR WHAT I SAY TO YOU
WHAT EVER IT TAKES
I CAN SEE YA
I KNOW
I KNOW
AHHHHH
I KNOW I CAN MAKE IT THROUGH

Ehn. Some people turn to God or to loved ones in times like this. I turn to Degrassi :-). FML. Anyway, thanks for listening!

Beam me up, Scotty

I can walk good...

2009-05-07T22:50:00.004-04:00

I'm really good at walking. Here's proof:

So I was walking down the street and this coked out midget came and attacked me with his coke nails.
Ok... You called my bluff.
I was finally doing laundry. Just took everything out of the dryer, folded it all nice and neat, when it started to pour. And I mean pour. It had been lightly off and on all day but this was RAIN. So I put everything in my old bag lady push cart and started running. Running down the street getting drenched with my grocery push cart when it got caught on a drift in the sidewalk and BAM! Slow motion topple of both me and the cart. I flew over the cart and ended up, all cut up, on my back on the wet sidewalk with my laundry on top of me. I managed to get home with my laundry safe, despite being covered in blood and dirt.
A cut is a weird thing. It hurts like hell. You don't think it should, but it does. It an interesting kind of hurt, sharp and painful but memorable. Like an old memory from childhood. Cause I mean really, the last time I fell and got a cut like this i was young.

Also on a previous walk home from the laundromat today, a black homeless guy stopped me and asked how I was doing. I looked at him and smiled and then he started following me and going on a rant about how much he respected me for looking at him. Even though he is from the ghetto and went to jail because he killed his mother, he really respected that I wasn't scared of him. Then he gave me a hug (oh... oh... ok...) and asked for a dollar to get some pizza. After teaching inner city high school kids... I'm not afraid of anyone. I love what the city has done for me.

So as of yesterday at 5pm, I have finished all my work for college. It was an amazing feeling. Thanks Marissa for pushing me till the end and finishing at almost the exact time. Then Annaleigh, Lauren, Ashleigh, LPB, Marissa and I went out to the beer garden for celebratory drinks. Guest appearances by Kyle, Chris and Tyler. I love beer and I hope this week while my dad's here I can keep learning more! I feel bad that I haven't always taken away the lessons he has tried to teach me, because knowing what he knows makes me cooler, but sometimes because he's my dad, they just don't stick. Maybe now that I'm older and conscious of trying to learn... oh who am I kidding. Just a couple years ago my parents gave me the break down on really learning wines, but that didn't stick either.

So yeah. My family comes this weekend. My mom and her boyfriend, my dad and his girlfriend (we've never met...) all four of them and me together for a week or so. Should be interesting! I'm excited though. I bought graduation shoes :-).

Today I went over to Cait O'Connell and Levkoff's for easy mac and boy was it delicious. Cait, lets be friends. We are? Awesome. Then to Wendy's with Pablo and Tyler for morrrrrre foood. I hadn't eaten at Wendy's since like 4th grade and it was the Wendy's in Poway that burned down later. I've always been suspicious of square hamburgers, and today did not change my mind. I got chicken. You boy are a bad influence. No more fast food for me!

It's really amazing how the time flies in a day. I swear sometimes I just don't know where the hours go. Sometimes its nice, but I really wish time would just pause for me for a little bit.

Tonight I also remembered the song, "Don't Stop Me Now." How much that song has rocked my life in so many different places and so many different occasions. Seamus, Peter and I in France in high school, Andy Kao and others getting drunk in his room and dancing/singing our brains out to that song... It was lost but not gone forever oh my darling, clementine. I remember it with fondness, and hope it will make another guest appearance in my life like it did tonight.

You're dead kid.

Over and Out,
Lisha

On An AirMattress With You

2009-05-05T22:11:00.002-04:00

This is my first blog post. Perfectly coinciding with my last work of my college. One door closes, the other open? The metaphorical door of blog writing. Anyway. I have been postponing writing my final paper for Joe's Styles class by creating this blog. It's hard to force a blog post, but its not as hard as writing 2,000 words on what I learned about what queer is and what style is. I think I have the format for the paper, but I just do not work well if I'm not under pressure :-). Necessity is the mother of invention. COW.

So yeah. Tomorrow I will finish college. It feels really weird and scary, and no I do not know what I'm doing or what my plans are. I've always liked going to school and I think it will be weird not having so much responsibility. I hope to keep doing art and keep having friends. That's important. Yup.

Today was my "last" day student teaching. I say last day with hesitance and quotes because it was supposed to be on Thursday but my CT was sick so I had totally mentally checked out already. So I just came by to say hi during lunch and Drama Club. At lunch my CT was starting a new Freshmen Student Council and it was great! They had so many idea about how to change the school and what they wanted out of their next three years, it was really powerful to hear such energy and excitement for action. It was funny though because I hadn't been there for a week so everyone (even students who have called me a bitch to my face) were shouting Lisha! and excited to see me. Really? Really. Then at drama club (my best students and the ones that I could just talk to and have fun with) they all bust out into a huge rendition of FI FA VISTA as a goodbye for me. We played some games and hugged goodbye and that was it! Simply out of their lives as quickly as I came in.

So yeah, out of college as quickly as I came in.

This past month has been really crazy. I really hope more than anything that I can keep my friends. I know I'm not that great in keeping in touch but I really will try. I want to try. I know its hard to keep people on radar when you don't see them all the time. I really am scared that I'm going to do a shit job, but I don't want to do a shit job.
Time to sit down and write some lists. Some goals. You know, everyone says to follow your dreams, but what happens when your dreams change or disappear all together. Maybe if I get some sleep, I'll have some more dreams.

Goodnight.

Eclectic Analysis! "Touch of Grey" - Grateful Dead

2008-05-01T02:00:00.002-04:00

I am a dead head, that's all there is too it.
This is a music video of the dead doing "Touch of Grey."

Open Listening 1)
* The beating of the drum sticks starts off the song. There is a flash of hangs playing on a keyboard but they suddenly turn in to bones. Skeleton arms "tune" while the crowd cheers.

* The setting is seemingly at a concert. The camera switches point of views from audience, onstage and backstage. Lights spin around and out over audience. The stage looks far away.

* There is constant background crowd noise. There is a hollow beat sound, and a repeating set of notes.

*The band are skeletons! There is a large picture of their "logo" behind them. A skeleton face surrounded by roses.

*The drummer is smoking (a joint most likely?). Each skeleton clearly represents one of the band members. The skeletons move to play the instruments and sing.

*You can see the strings moving/holding up the puppets.
The skeletons are seriously rocking out.

*Chorus - "I will get by," followed by that same repeating set of notes. "I will survive."

*The drummer skeleton is wearing converse.

*The skeleton band turns into the real band, and back and forth.

*Someone from the audience throws a rose and the skeleton catches it in his mouth. Symbolism! The rose is the dead's symbol of choice.

*A crew member chases a dog across the stage on "the dog hasn't been fed in years." A crew member also tries to put the drummer skeleton back together, because apparently it had fallen apart in the visual world of the video.

*The band don't really look like rockstars. They look like normal, older men. They are not very attractive per se, but they look like they love what they do and they are having a good time.

*"It's alright."

*Equal camera time is spent on each band member. There isn't one "diva," or someone who stands out more than the others. It seems like a real group effort.

*Chorus changes to "we will get by, we will survive.

*As the song ends the camera pans up to skeleton arms controlling strings. Skeleton puppet master. Skeletons controlling skeletons or real people? Death controlling people? Aware strings would show and capitalized on that?

*crowd goes wild.

Historical Context? Psychedelic!

2008-05-01T01:55:00.001-04:00

Grateful dead created their own distinctive sound, merging together forms and genres to musicifly one incredible experience. They formed in 1964 in Menlo Park, and became official in 1965, under the name "The Warlocks." Unfortunately, a band was already recording under that name, so Jerry Garcia opened up the Britannica dictionary and said "what about grateful dead?" In folklore, the story of the grateful dead is one where a soul has not been properly buried due to an unpaid debt. A traveller happens upon the soul and takes care of his debt, putting them at peace and the traveller is later rewarded somehow in life. Literally, grateful, dead. The band took to the Bay Area, where they became the heart and soul of the psychedelic movement around Haight-Ashbury. The band represented "all the elements of the San Fransisco scene and came, therefore, to represent the counter culture to the rest of the country." They were at the forefront of psychedelic music, which tries to recreate drug induced states of mind due to hallucinogens. Although they were part of the psychedelic movement, each song the band has could fit under a different genre. They combined rock and roll and folk and eastern sounds and classical and and and...
Their first CD, "The Grateful Dead" was released around the same time as "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band," by the Beatles.

The Grateful Dead established a huge network of underground fans before they "made it big." These fans became a HUGE part of their culture. "Deadheads" would follow the band on tours, and lines would form for days outside their concert venues. The Grateful Dead usually played large venues often outdoors and would have long improvisations. There was a freedom and buzz in their music and in the air that could not be captured in the studio.

The "Touch of Grey" music video was the first and only music video the Dead ever recorded. Coincidentally, despite their immense popularity, "Touch of Grey" was the only Grateful Dead song to ever reach the Top Ten on the music charts. The video played for MTV and widened their audience. The Grateful Dead defied the laws of music business and made millions of dollars despite not being at the top of the charts and with "real" albums.

The Grateful Dead were inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 1994, a year before Garcia's death.

Band Members:
Jerry Garcia - started playing guitar when he was 15 and also played bluegrass on the banjo. He founded The Warlocks in 1964 and took his blues background to influence the more psychedelic and experimental sound, in addition to country and folk influence.

Bob Weir - when he co-founded the band in 1964, he was 17.

Bill Kreutzmann - Drummer and older bohemian role model.

Phil Lesh - one of the most "extraordinary musical talents in rock history," he played bass and would have improvised jams with Garcia and Weir. He joined the band after seeing the Warlocks play at a pizza parlor in Menlo Park.

Mickey Hart - joined the band in 1967 and added a non-western sound flair.

Robert Hunter - also joined in 1967 as a lyricist and turned the Dead's lyrics in to complete, elaborate and beautiful stories.

Pigpen - Ron McKernan, played the harmonica and keyboard and added blues vocals.

There was also:
Tom Constanten (TC), Keith Godchaux, Donna Jean Godchaux, Brent Mydland, Vince Welnick and John Perry Barlow.

Jerry Garcia can talk about his band much more eloquently than I can

2008-05-01T01:50:00.000-04:00

So as I was poking around for information on the "Touch of Grey" music video, I came across Justin Kreutzmann, Bill Kreutzmann's (the drummer) kid's BLOG! He was a roadie for the band, and with a strong background in film (previously working for the Smithsonian and Francis Ford Coppola) helped make the music video. In his blog, he transcribed an interview he took with Jerry about the video, among other things.
I find the interview to be very insightful and has done most of my work for me! I have cut out parts that are not particularly relevant, but the whole interview is available at the link above. I will proceed to highlight certain parts and relate them to my views regarding the video.

"The whole idea of the Grateful Dead doing a music video is kind of strange to everybody. Can you explain what brought that about?
Garcia: I’ve been waiting for an opportunity to do something with Gary Gutierrez, who did the animation on our early Grateful Dead film -- any opportunity to work with him is always fun. We were working on this album and I thought somewhere along the line the record company was going to require a video from us, so I sent some rough mixes of the tunes to Gary. They liked ‘Touch Of Grey,’ and it just sort of fell together. His idea was so good that everybody loved it immediately, and the record company went for it.

With this record and the video, do you think you’ll reach a whole new audience that might not have ever heard of the Grateful Dead?
Garcia: Hard to tell.

Also, it seems that now that you are middle age, that you’re involving your children more. Do you think it’s good for re-circulating?
Garcia: Sure. Especially if they find a place that’s comfortable for them. Annabelle (Garcia’s oldest daughter with Mountain Girl) has been wanting to do this kind of work for a long time. So I can relate to it because when I was 15, I already had my first electric guitar and here I am. It’s neat that we’re able to provide a context for the kids to work in.

Do you think this will be the big one -- the double platinum album?
Garcia: No telling. Every time we make a record, we always hope that somebody will buy it. And it’s disappointing when they don’t, but on the other hand, after 20 years of no particular success with records, I can’t say I’ll be crushed if this record doesn’t go platinum in a week.

It seems that the recording has a more live sound than on past albums.
Garcia: Yeah, the sound is good. It sounds more like the way we play -- more…it’s the way we perceive music to work. The studio is a little sterile, and the studio playing approach is a sterile approach compared to what we do. So yeah, we were able to capture some of that feeling for this.

You’re using a shortened version [of ‘Touch of Grey’] -- slowed down to articulate emotions out of the skeletons. Are you going to have trouble trying to lip sync that at half speed?
Garcia: I don’t know whether we’ll have to lip sync at half speed or not, I doubt that we will, but operating the puppets would be easier, probably. They have the option of changing the speed in a number of ways to make it easier for them to operate to whatever is the best operating speed.

Is there any fear that the skeletons might outshine the band in the video?
Garcia: I don’t doubt that they’ll outshine us. Probably better than us. They’ll be the stars of the video.

When we went over there today, it seems like what they’re trying to do is capture the characters of the original band members in each skeleton. Do you think they can get real close with that?
Garcia: Yeah, those people are really good at this stuff.

Can you give us a little history of how you got involved with Colossal and The Grateful Dead Movie?
Garcia: Gary Gutierrez is a great guy to work with. He has endless enthusiasm and he has great ideas, and his whole scene has gotten to be very successful in the last ten years. He’s really done well. It’s always nice having an excuse to work with somebody that you like and somebody whose work you like. And it doesn’t pop up that often in the music world where you get a chance to do something collaborative with other people apart from the music itself, which is a collaborative venture, at least the way the Grateful Dead does it. So, it’s neat to be able to include more people, more energy, more kinds of ideas, more minds. And it’s just fun to do.

It seems at this stage in the game, you guys can pretty much choose who you want to work with.
Garcia: Right. No matter how it comes up, it’s always interesting. This is a hot year for us, so far.

How has the tour gone?
Garcia: Good! What I remember of it.

Garcia: I first heard ‘Touch of Grey’…I heard Hunter do it. He does it with a different melody so I rewrote the melody. He did it completely differently, but I love the way it worked. I’m not sure what it’s about, either. But everybody seems to think it’s about growing older and something like that, so I’ll go along with that. It seems reasonable. I don’t know whether Hunter meant that in the lyric or not; but for me, the song has turned into an anthem in this last tour. Everybody loves it. It doesn’t matter what it originally meant anymore. It’s acquired a meaning. Hopefully, it does mean different things to different people. I like to not tie things down, if possible. But it’s a great song to sing. It’s a great song to perform. It really works well. So from a musician’s point of view, does the song have a life of its own? It has a life of its own, so it’s a good choice.

Skeletons and the Grateful Dead have been synonymous throughout the years, and it seems like it would have been hard to bring in the skeleton idea after all these years without the band being tired of it.
Garcia: Yes. There’s that, and it’s almost gotten to the point where someone mentions skeletons, everybody goes, ‘Oh no.’ But the tie-in is obvious, and if it is a good enough idea, like Gary’s last creation in the skeleton world with the Uncle Sam skeleton with the top hat, we still use it here and there as a logo or to identify us. I don’t know whether I’d accept this from anybody else, but I think Gary’s ideas are funny enough and fresh enough. They’re the way he wants them to be. Even though the idea of skeletons is not exactly a new one to us, this version of it may be terrific. This might be something special, so that’s the reason for going for it.

Now that this is your last record for any company, that basically makes you free from the music business. You’re not under contract. You can do the greatest Mary Poppins tunes you’ve ever heard. Are you guys going to maybe move in a different direction as opposed to album, tour, album, tour, sort of?
Garcia: Well, we never really have done that very much anyway, at least not that strict in the music business sense. We don’t know. We are wide open. We’ll see how this record does. Events have carried us this far, and we’re just going along and that seems to work pretty good and we sort of take a hands-off approach. Kind of let things happen. So we’ll see what happens -- where this gets us. Right now, we’re in motion. We’re on our way somewhere. It’s hard to tell where.

The video is like a performance piece except that it starts on a darkened stage with the band coming out and doing our little pre-show thing. It’s based on the Grateful Dead in performance, as far as our fans know us, and we don’t come out with a big splash or anything. We sneak on stage and fool around in the dark for a long time. Well, this takes it from that point. It starts at that point with us puttering around. But there’s something a little funny. You can’t quite see everybody, and then we’ll reveal the skeletons when the lights come up and the performance starts. The skeletons are full-sized, articulated skeleton puppet guys that will play the first part of the song and then there’ll be a bunch of stuff that happens to them like skeleton gags, and they eventually will sort of transmogrify into us playing live ‘cause they represent us anyway. They’re wearing our clothes and playing our instruments and so on. That’s the sense of it. So it’s skeletons to us. And it’s sort of a play on the ‘I will survive.’ Something about that, plus the Grateful Dead idea, in a large way, and hopefully, it will be funny and it will look good and it will work.

And will there be more videos if this is successful?
Garcia: Sure. Anytime you are successful in the music business, there will be more.

Syntax - groovy

2008-05-01T01:45:00.001-04:00

In some bizarre sense I feel as if the syntax of "psychedelic" music is that is has no syntax. Although I am sure there are definite attributes to constitute sets of sounds as such, I am not as well versed in the technical to be able to point that out. Although I believe there is overdriven guitar and aplified feedback, often times with a eastern sounding influence. How to tell you exactly what that is, I do not know.

The song itself goes like this:

"Fooling around in the dark" -> intro -> verse and chours combined in to one, with the chorus tagging on at the end of the verse ("I will survive")-> repeated -> interlude slower section -> verse/chorus -> repeated -> slower interlude/conclusion.

There are two guitarists, one bass player, one keyboard and two percussion. There is heavy cowbell through the song that keeps a steadfast beat. Jerry is on vocals. There are repeating melodies and the song follows the pattern very closely. There are a series of ascending notes just before "I will survive", and a catchy 5-note sequence on the keyboard in between "I will survive," and "I will get by." I feel like they used space well and did not try and cram too many notes or too much sound into it at once.

It was directed by Gary Gutierrez, with whom the Dead had worked with on their animated video. Gutierrez animated the beginning part of the skeletons tuning up, then it switched to life size puppets. A little over half way through the video, the skeletons "transmorgify" into the human band members for most of the rest of the piece.

The song is recorded at a slower tempo so the puppets can match movements as accurately as possible. Each band member had a team of designers and animators/puppeteers that tried to copy their "idiosyncrasies" as closely as they could. Each puppet has the personality of its human counterpart. Jerry's oldest daughter Annabelle created the puppets.

The music video was recorded in front of a live audience on May 9, 1987, which gives the piece a performance feel, just like the Dead's music was geared toward.

There is a "Making of the Touch Of Grey Video and more!" movie that goes behind the scenes of the video.

Sound-In-Time - Clocks are running late...

2008-05-01T01:40:00.003-04:00

Jerry Garcia is my best friend. Although I have never met him, I feel that way. His voice is as familiar to me as my own father's. Maybe because I grew up with it, but his voice immediately effects me in unidentifiable ways. It is comforting and happy, it calms and excites me at the same time. He's like a best friend or brother or uncle that I trust explicitly, and whatever he says, goes. He is my god. Well, I wouldn't go that far, but he certainly is god-like in a way, his music pulsing through my veins and inspiring my faith.

Because at their live concerts the Grateful Dead spend so much time improvising, and that is included in the beginning of the video, there is this tremendous excitement that comes over me when the noticeable beginning of the song bursts through the "tuning" and playing around.

I see:

skipping.
arms waving in the air
a girl in a dress dancing around in circles in a field banging on a cowbell
sing-a-long
a church miracle session, people singing and raising their arms to the sky, overcome by faith and peacefulness

Skeletons are singing "I will survive," is that irony? Sort of an eternal "getting by."

There is so much imagery inherent in the language of the piece. I see green cows being milked to fuel lamps, and teenagers struggling to read in class, and emaciated dogs and thick red velvet curtains being drawn to block out the blinding blue dawn (or in reference to another Dead song "Scarlet Begonias," the yellow sky), clocks running around an apartment cluttered with sleeping bodies, someone painting the sky by number, clouds exploding with mixes of silver and grey swirling all around me, winning love like its a game, people wearing shoes for gloves... and of course, skeletons and roses.

The ascending notes before the chorus quicken the heartbeat with anticipation and excitement.

A note on recording style:
"JK: It seems that the recording has a more live sound than on past albums.
Garcia: Yeah, the sound is good. It sounds more like the way we play - more...it's the way we perceive music to work. The studio is a little sterile, and the studio playing approach is a sterile approach compared to what we do. So yeah, we were able to capture some of that feeling for this."

While it is clear that the sound would have had to be recorded in a studio to be dubbed over the skeletons, I would agree with Jerry that the Grateful Gead and Gutierrez did a good job of capturing the live feel of the music happening there and then through video.

Virrrrtualll Feeeeeling - Marvin Gaye?

2008-05-01T01:35:00.002-04:00

I would say the overall feeling is... Jolly. The cowbell and higher more emphasized keyboard motifs really pull you into it. The song is uptempo and you can't help dancing/swaying to it. The sets of notes carry you away as you sway and rise upon your toes, reaching for more. As the camera pans over the concert, you see all the people in the audience dancing and swaying and rocking out and they are all having a great time and so are you! The concert setting provides an extra jolt of energy. Also the fact that skeletons are singing inspires a sense of awe and spooky awesomness. Like, dude! Skeletons are singing! Alright! It seems that the crowd just knows, somehow they just know, that whatever the Grateful Dead play, it will be good. And it will be fun. You can tell by the way they play, that they do it because they love it, they groove on it, they're not doing it for money or fame, they're doing it cuz they get off on it, and they know they can give that same sense to the audience. So they play until they get tired, and then they quit. Simple. Generous. Joyful.

There is a real excited sense about this piece. You feel as if you are participating in the song, and you are on the brink of something fantastic. "Dawn is breaking everywhere," you've just had a great night (probably on some form of psychedelic drug), and you are ready to start a new day. There is a youthful enthusiasm and "I can do anything" attitude, as enhanced by the lyrics "I will survive." It's exciting and carefree, "I don't care cause, it's alright!" The song is like a motivation speech, there is a sense of pride and self-empowerment, and Jerry is smiling and encouraging you on into life.
If you think about it, their songs are about all sorts of things, sad, bluesy, upbeat, funny, hopeful, abstract, but they are never mean. There is never any harshness or ill will expressed. The audience knows they're not gonna get hate outa the Dead.

In a VERY strong way the virtual feeling of this piece parallels the cultural context. If psychedelic music aims at recreating hallucinogenic highs, I can imagine this hits close to home. The Dead were all about a free, laissez-faire sort of attitude that was ever so popular at the time. The excitement and freedom this song conveys were two of the main feelings of the time period.

Yet through all this, there is a surprising contradiction with the lyrics. The jolly upbeat tone of the music, contrasts with the dark and gloomy nature of the lyrics. Yet it is also paralleled through the lyrics' resolutions to said problems. Thus, I shall discuss textual representation.

Textual Representation - Cows Giving Kerosene

2008-05-01T01:30:00.002-04:00

Robert Hunter is a genius.

Must be getting early
Clocks are running late
Paint by number morning sky
Looks so phony

Dawn is breaking everywhere
Light a candle, curse the glare
Draw the curtains
I don't care 'cause
It's all right

I will get by / I will get by
I will get by / I will survive

I see you've got your list out
Say your piece and get out
Yes I get the gist of it
but it's all right

Sorry that you feel that way
The only thing there is to say
Every silver lining's got a
Touch of grey

I will get by / I will get by
I will get by / I will survive

It's a lesson to me
The Ables and the Bakers and the C's
The ABC's we all must face
And try to keep a little grace

It's a lesson to me
The deltas and the east and the freeze
The ABC's we all think of
Try to give a little love.

I know the rent is in arrears
The dog has not been fed in years
It's even worse than it appears
but it's all right.

Cows giving kerosene
Kid can't read at seventeen
The words he knows are all obscene
but it's all right

I will get by / I will get by
I will get by / I will survive

The shoe is on the hand it fits
There's really nothing much to it
Whistle through your teeth and spit
causeit's all right.

Oh well a Touch Of Grey
Kind of suits you anyway.
That was all I had to say
It's all right.

I will get by / I will get by
I will get by / I will survive
We will get by / We will get by
We will get by / We will survive

"This from Robert Hunter's online journal, January 8, 2006:

Flipping through a green hardbound 1980 notebook I come upon a run of pages in which I discover "Touch of Grey" - dozens of verses that gradually fall away until the familiar ones emerge. As I read, I'm not otherwise than the person who wrote it down. It's the blear light of dawn after being up all night. I sit at the kitchen table in a 16th Century house in rural England, turning what I feel into images, awash in that writing trance in which I spent, and spend, so much of my life; a place that doesn't have much relationship to the nominal time stream. If I could slip back physically and change anything, perhaps I'd rip out those pages. No getting the genie back in the bottle."

Wow. So Robert Hunter wishes he never wrote the Grateful Dead's only chart making song? Robert Hunter was responsible for giving the Grateful Dead a beautiful and metaphorical voice through story-telling. I have to relate you to Terrapin Station - one of the most beautiful story-telling songs that comments on it's own voice. But I digress...kind of. It's still relevant to your dead education.

Alternate Verses:
Even this is bound to pass
Not the first, you're not the last
Fortune smiles then turns away
but it's okay
When it goes from bad to worse
Not the last, you're not the first
Today's tomorrow yesterday
So what's to say?
I will get by
I will get by
I will survive
It's a lesson to me
The Ables, the Bakers and C's
The ABC's of the fast ball curve
Trying not to lose your nerve

The first refrain, "must be getting early... looks so phony," suggests how quickly the morning has crept upon them. It has a sort of "morning after" feel, where the party is winding down at dawn. There is a sense of contentment that the party has lasted this long, yet annoyance at the morning's onslaught. The clocks are running late suggests a certain disregard towards time. The paint by number morning sky is seen through hazy drunk and psychedelic glasses. For people who live mostly during the night, the morning sky could appear oddly colorful.
The second part, "dawn is breaking...it's alright," introduces the carefree and contented nature of the song. According to Robert Hunter, Jerry wrote the line "light a candle, curse the glare," in reference to a comment made by Adlai Stevenson about Eleanor Roosevelt's death, "she would rather light a candle than curse the darkness." (How did he come up with that?! How did he know that?!... amazing). Playing on that line creates a character opposite to that of Eleanor Roosevelt, who's compasion and good nature would never let her be angry at the night. The Dead however, could light candles after partying all night, and have the disposition to wish ill-will upon the dawn. But! It's alright.
I will get by, I will survive - is probably one of the most self-explanitory lyrics ever. Despite what may be, I will be ok. Peace and Love, man.
"I see you've got your list out... but it's alright," refers to what I mentioned earlier about anger. Hunter is confronted with passion or anger concering something, and he rolls it right off his shoulder like a water dropplet on a duck's wing. You can say what you want to me, but I'm at peace, everything's alright.
"Sorry that you feel that way...touch of grey," a play on the idiom, "Every cloud has a silver lining." Well, silver has a grey in it. This introduces a cycle of sorts, from cloud -> silver lining -> back to the grey of the cloud. Take it at face value. But! It's alright!
"It's a lesson...keep a little grace," Ables and the Baker's and the C's is a potential reference to military code at the time, now it's the known alpha, beta, charlie. "I'm not sure what it's about, either."
The next two verses focus on the problems people and society are facing. Making rent, caustic problems with the environment, schooling systems, could drive a person crazy with worry and struggle. Sometimes you have to step back and take a breath. Think of the big picture and your job at the moment. And as Jerry inspires me, have faith that everything will be alright.
The shoe is on the hand that fits? Well that doesn't make sense... exactly! Sometimes life doesn't always add up, but you have to grin and bear it and everything will turn out alright.
Oh well a touch of grey, kinda suits you anyway - sure, it could be about getting old, for that certainly does make sense. But it also could mean that it's ok to be sad sometimes. Your lining doesn't always have to shine silver.
The change at the end of the song in the chorus from "I will get by, I will survive," to "we will get by, we will survive," places emphasis on the communal aspect of the Grateful Dead's music. In their music business, trusting in their fans and playing for them, not focusing on CD sales, and in their personal philosophies of humanity.

"I'm not sure what it's about, either. But everybody seems to think it's about growing older and something like that, so I'll go along with that. It seems reasonable. I don't know whether Hunter meant that in the lyric or not, but for me, the song has turned into an anthem in this last tour. Everybody loves it. It doesn't matter what it originally meant anymore. It's acquired a meaning. Hopefully, it does mean different things to different people. I like to not tie things down, if possible. But it's a great song to sing. It's a great song to perform. It really works well. So from a musician's point of view, does the song have a life of its own? It has a life of its own, so it's a good choice."
- Jerry Garcia.

I think this takes some pressure off of Robert Hunter and the feelings he expressed. It might be heavy for him, but each person takes something else away from his words.

Onto-Historical - Talking "Heads"

2008-05-01T01:20:00.005-04:00

I believe there have been hints here and there relating to the onto-historical world of the Grateful Dead's music video "Touch of Grey." Everything within the piece is so intertwined. Yet I think the main point about their onto-historical world can be seen in the way through which they approached this music video.
Keep in mind, this is the first and only music video the Grateful Dead actually made. This stems from their non-corporate beliefs. Their philosophy of music was their sound-in-time-in-cultural context. They played for themselves and for their fans and for their music for music's sake. This break from structure was a huge feeling of the 60's.

The Grateful Dead also expanded across a vast multitude of genres. Their style is noticeably theirs, but contains an open-mindedness of influences. Lullabies to country to rock, they used it all. Their "fluid, open-eared interchanges, ecstatic mood swings, and visceral impact," are paralleled by the drug and rock and roll culture they were surrounded by.

All of this comes through in the world they set up for themselves. By choosing to stage the music video at a concert, they are staying true to their normal venue and performance style. The place is filled to the brim, as normal, and the band is at first casual with their music. They are far away, tuning up and getting ready to play. There is no grand entrance or fireworks, just sounds. Then their seriously realistic world turns slightly upside down through the introduction of puppets! This convention works wonderfully, because the skeletons are able to be as naturalistic as possible. Even though they are guitar and drum playing skeletons (which could never happen in real life), they are acting as the members of the band, completely normal and causal, jamming on their instruments. This contradiction parallels the all-natural ideals of the 60's along with the visually and imaginatively enhanced influence of the drug culture and psychedelic music. Even through you can see the puppet strings, the audience/viewer is asked to suspend their disbelief and make friends with the skeletons. The tempo and tone of the piece assuage any fears that the world is one of danger or fear.
Being that this was filmed in front of a live audience, everyone in that hall was able to experience the world first-hand. But what about me? I am distanced from both the historical context and onto-historical world through time and medium.
Yet I think the message and feelings are still valid. If you decide the song is indeed about ageing, well ageing is timeless! I know it may sound contradictory, but everyone faces the challenges of getting old, and most people face challenges at some point in their life about how to pay rent, and society is still concerned about the education of our youth. While the musical style and groovy-ness of the sounds and sound progressions may be more relevant to the 1960s, the lyrics are timeless.

Open Listening Part II

2008-05-01T01:20:00.003-04:00

The Grateful Dead have never played or recorded the same song twice.

You're thinking...that's a lie. How can that be possible?

Well! Let me tell you. Most songs that you hear by popular artists today are very clear in their script. There is a beginning, a middle and an end, and the same song on two different albums or in concert could sound more or less identical. This is not the case with the Dead, which is what I find so intriguing and wonderful about their music.

Improvisation! They let the music take over themselves and they just play. Many of their songs duplicate on other albums, but they are never the same. Each album is a recording of a particular venue, so the series of songs they play all blend in to one another. Sometimes it is near impossible to tell where one ends and the other begins. The Dead will also often take the liberty of drifting off course in the middle of a song and jamming with each other until they feel like going back to what they wrote. It was all about experimentation through sound.

This is how I feel for my "second" listening. It sounds different every time I listen to it. There are notes I pull out, ways Jerry says certain lines, and beats that I find each time. But here goes:

*the skeleton's hands move to frets in the general sense following the notes coming from the real guitar.

*It's hard for me to pull out specific instruments and their parts because it all blends so beautifully together.

*the teal overtones of the animation are classic Gary Gutierrez.

*The band members don't play to the camera, they keep it as real as possible.

*You almost stop realizing when they switch from humans to bones.

*Their sense of humor and ease is really apparent through their "skeleton jokes."

*The dog that runs by during "dog hasn't been fed in years," is carrying a converse shoe attached to a leg bone that in the next shot you see a techie trying to reattach to the drummer skeleton's foot.

*The crowd roars when they turn into people. Almost as if they're cheering the transitioning effect.

Meta-Critique - "I will survive"

2008-05-01T01:15:00.001-04:00

I think I could get very nit-picky and critique a lot in this section. However, I do not believe that was the purpose of an eclectic analysis - to follow philosopher's guidelines to the T. I do believe this served to open our minds to a variety of different ways of approaching an analysis of a piece of art, both in different viewpoints and theories, and through themes as well. Therefore, I will spend a short time on each section, explaining my thoughts on my work.

Perhaps the largest critique I could make would be of my attachment to the Grateful Dead. I picked this piece because I have a pre-disposition towards the band and their music. This bias is difficult to remove, as Heidegger and Husserl have discovered. Therefore, I think separation from biases is ideal and not actually possible. Yet mine still is quite strong.

Open Listening - perhaps my best section. Although I had heard the song many times before, I had never listened for the purpose of listening and through watching the video was able to pull out new things in the song and through this first exposure to the video. I feel I was able to separate this piece and refrain from a comparative analysis.

Historical Context - I feel as if there is too much historical context to cover regarding the 1960's-1990's, so I stuck with the history of the band. I think I covered thoroughly enough for these purposes.

Syntax - This is where I feel the most lacking. I do not have the ear or the mind or language to describe with accurate musical syntax what I am hearing. I can tell you an overall pattern and things that stand out.

Sound-in-Time/Phenomenology - It was difficult at first to separate out virtual feeling and phenomenology. The lyrics also kept finding their way into my phenomenology and virtual feelings. I feel I could have been more metaphorical.
It was hard to find a lot of information regarding specific recording styles of the video. I was not able to get "The Making of The Grateful Dead's Touch of Grey Music Video and more!" which I think would have given me plenty of insight into the recording style and process of making the video. It might have helped with syntax as well. Oh well, "I will survive."

Virtual Feeling - I feel I was not as detached from my feelings of the piece to the feelings the sounds were representing. This is perhaps my greatest area of realistic improvement. Also my attachment to the piece has infiltrated once again. I am not quite certain if I was dominating the music and using it for my release, because I was not necessarily feeling particularly "jolly" while I was listening to it, it is what the music sounds like to me, but some happiness is inherent.

Textual Representation - I think this was another way of looking at how the lyrics influenced virtual feeling.

Onto-historical and Open Listening II went just fine.

All in all I enjoyed writing this in a blog. It made it available for other people to see, and it was less daunting and less formal than a print, staple, turn in paper, which could be a negative issue.
As I had mentioned previously, I am removed from the video. The Grateful Dead were very much "in the moment" as seen through their improvisation and adverse feelings towards recording studios, which is probably why this was their only music video. The medium of video further removes me from the experience. Yet so does 21 years.

I hope this was insightful,
signing off,
Lisha

Art- So easy, an ELEPHANT could do it

2008-04-05T21:54:00.001-04:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_LHoyB81LnE

Vygotski and Heidegger: A Conversation

2008-03-09T16:35:00.001-04:00

Mimesis

2008-03-05T12:43:00.000-05:00

Imitation, representation and expression. Like the development of children in their toddler years, trying to imitate those older than they are, mimesis is a source of learning for most. Mimesis is not a new concept. Chimpanzee’s in Africa were using mimesis as a cultural distinction way before humans came around, yet exploration of the idea of mimesis, especially in regards to art, was first consciously developed in pre-Platonic times and enhanced through the ideas of Plato and Aristotle. Throughout discourse, difference scholars have come to offer up their own definitions of mimesis through art, with Aeschylus’s work relating it as representation through dance (which can be supported by the Educational Theatre departments production of “The Eumenides” by Aeschylus with a heavy emphasis on movement as symbolism, representation and story-telling). Gebauer and Wulf then delve into a history of the art of mime, although with a seemingly bias viewpoint. In a modern world, a progressive reader might have difficulty with the concept of mimesis, socially, for it is completely dependent on “the stereotype.” Mimesis is effective when the “relations of similarity he establishes” are correct: “the character traits represented in the coward must correspond to the qualities typical of a coward” (Ferrara, 29). While representation in art can be personalized, mimesis depends on the “universal phenomena” of that being imitated. Plato also uses mimesis as the emulation an object, presupposed that the object is “worth being imitated” (Ferrara 32). This brings up another issues in the modern world, who decides what is worthy? Plato’s views then shift to mimesis and its relation to the goal of society. Realizing the huge effect mimesis has as an education tool, Plato suggests young people should be shielded from unfavorable models, allowing them to access full potential and fulfill their duties to the state. If poetry depicts anything deemed negative or untrue, especially concerning the depiction of Gods as weak, then it will not be allowed. Yet representation of the seemingly “false” would just be fiction, so I suppose Plato was not fond of that genre. If transgression against truth in representation was still frowned upon, acting as an art would not exist, for it is the representation of something else, and in itself, false, for mimesis can never be exact. The power of mimesis can be “seductive” but if used in a positive and enhancing way, can be very effective.

I thought this article was interesting at some points but was very tedious and repetitive until it got into how it actually applies to art. In regards to mimesis through gesture and dance I relate very well to that. I think that is why physical theatre is so compelling and powerful. The body can be a representation of just about anything. Combining forms and employing space, one or a group of people can create constantly living, moving, changing visual representations. Through movement and gesture (Chekhov would argue especially for psychological gesture), there is mimesis with an added metaphorical layer that allows the viewer personal interpretation. And the ability for personal interpretation is the attraction of art.
I was also attracted to the part about mime and how “the mime” depicted human life “as it is.” While it was a historical depiction of the art of mime, I still feel as if it lacked enough background and depth to fully brush upon the art of mime. While still today in many people’s minds, a mime show is not held with “much social prestige nor was the mime highly valued,” but there have been very great achievements and advancements in the art as a modern, respectable art form. In terms of mimesis, mimes were disregarded because of the idea of “fooling someone,” yet that is the whole concept of mimesis. It is an imitation. And if mimes are looked down upon because of their extraordinary ability to re-create in physical form, all of mimesis in art should be shunned. But then again, I’m just bitter at society’s depiction and understanding of the craft.

Love Monkeys

2008-02-13T21:51:00.003-05:00

Something I was learning about that I found related in a weird way to PAWC. Bear with me...

So, our closest primate ancestors are the Bonobo's. (I think they are particularly interesting because they are constantly having sex with each other... regardless of male/female, and sex has completely replaced any violence within their culture. Make love not war).

BUT!

one of the signs of cultural similarity between humans and these chimps was their rudimentary "tool" use. The most common example is using a stick to retrieve termites out of a mound. Some different groups of bonobos would take the leaves off of the stick first, and others wouldn't, creating distinctions among group behaviors. The beginning of culture.
It is also suspected that the chimps wouldn't necessarily teach the others how to use the tools. Learning came through immitation. mimesis. Mimesis led to the development of culture!

Think about it.

Courtesy of my lovely roommate and brilliant scholar, Kyla McCracken

2008-02-13T01:25:00.002-05:00

this is perfect. Kyla found it, give her all the credit. Cept she posted it on the discussion board which is of course as Dr. MacFarlane puts it, "far too linear for our purposes." SO! because I am certain sooooo many of you read This! Here:

good story Katie Holmes.

Aesthetic Object versus Art Object example

2008-02-07T15:55:00.000-05:00

Have you taken Desiree's "Dramatic Activities in the Elementary Classroom?"

If you were in my class, you might remember a potent and spectacular performance by Annaleigh and Katie Pelkey concerning a dorky duck in the classroom. That was part of the lesson "Found Objects." In this lesson, students pass around a "grab bag" of goodies and pull out an object. The objects can be anything, such as a roll of tape, a rubber ducky, stapler, etc. The students get in to groups and create dramatic scenes, creating a character for their object. They can personify the object and use it as it is intended, or imagine it is something else all together. In this case, I would think, an aesthetic object becomes an art object. The objects are manipulated by humans, and the materials have been worked on to create a performance art.

So then I ask, what about the tools one uses to create art? Are an artist's paint brushes or an actors props aesthetic objects turned art? A paint brush is a part of the gesture, does it not perform work?

This leads me to discuss gesture. As we know, gesture is a huge part of theatre, especially the theatre we have created for ourselves within this department. Especially concerning, Chekhov's infamous "Psychological Gesture." After splitting with Stanislavski, Chekhov's METHOD is based on the physical and the imaginative. Working from the outside in, Chekhov's work encourages the expression of a character's internal process or desire in a grand gesture. After physcializing the wants on the character, it can then be internalized, provoking a visceral, trained physical recollection of a particular struggle or feeling. This pyscological gesture is a means of work-ing on art - a character, script, play, performance. Just as displaying a piece of "art" in a museum requires work, simply experiencing the gesture is enough for "art" to take place. (If music should be a verb, why not through art in there as well... I arted. Well, now that just sounds silly).

"What's the thing about the beach...?"

2008-02-05T17:57:00.000-05:00

This questions came up in class one day in relation to music in relation to multi-sensorial art. The more senses the better. Personally, that's why I think theatre is the shit, because it can invoke sight, sound, touch (especially in the Ed. Theatre world, our base is contact... and the variation between touch and space), sometimes smell (in the case of...lets say Chekhov's "The Seagull," even though that's a comment on the extremes and failures of "experimental" form in theatre.) Anyway, there is constant involvement in theatre both by the performers and the audience. But I digress. The ocean. Being from San Diego, I have been constantly near the ocean all of my life and it is a HUGE part of my life world and experiences. I have spent many, many hours, here:

Sitting and watching the waves crash and the sun set. And it is an incredible multi-sensorial experience. There is something unitentifiable about the ocean that has attracted humans in inexplicable ways. We are drawn to it. To its beauty, to its vastness, to is smell, feel, taste, its memory. To its "permanence versus change." The ocean was one of the first entities the Earth had to offer. It is ALWAYS there, and its not going anywhere. It is permanent. YET at the same time it is constantly changing. Waves are crashing and the Ebb and Flow of the ocean's tide shows itself in many other aspects in art. It is a basis for music and art, the ebb and flow of character objective achievement and plot, the ebb and flow of uncertainty and melody and dissonance. Humans are mostly water. We are connected. We are one. The ocean IS zen.

Ibsen was obsessed with human's connection to the sea as well. Take "Lady From the Sea." Here are some of Ibsen's first notes:

"The lure of the sea. Longing for the sea. People`s affinity to the sea. Tied to the sea. Dependent on the sea. Compulsion to return to it. A species of fish forming a prototype in the development of species. Are there still rudiments of this in the human mind? In the mind of some individuals?
The images of the turmoil of life in the sea and of «what is eternally lost».
The sea has power over moods, has its own willpower. The sea can hypnotize. Nature can in general. The great secret is the dependency of the human will on «what is without willpower».
She has come from the sea, where her father`s parsonage lay. Grew up out there - by the free, open sea. Became secretly betrothed to the irresponsible young mate - an expelled sea-cadet - , who spent the winter ashore in an outlying harbour on account of a shipwreck. Had to break off the relationship in accordance with her father`s wishes. "

Ellida's obsession with the sea is relatable and beautiful. AND MADE GREAT ART.

Poem Electronique

2008-02-05T17:39:00.000-05:00

Here's an interesting "2001-esque" interpretation of "Poem Electronique." I had never heard of it before, so here's a chance for you to hear this "famous" work that has been frequently mentioned. It's kinda creepy.

I think this could be a basis of a unit plan or teaching artist work. Create your own "poem electronique." It seems very sound based, so could be a good intro into students learning instruments. Showing them that, well, just about anything can be interpreted as music. It would be cool to even bring in some sort of electronic devices, have them record or whatnot. It can also be paired with a study about Brussels or World's Faires...

According to Wikipedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Poème_électronique), 425 different speakers were used for the first "sounding." That is one of the most intriguing aspects about music, live performance. A song, a sound is never, ever the same twice. And in the case of the Grateful Dead, every recording of the same song is different. (<3).

Throw them all into a well, if they cannot tell - INTRO

2008-02-05T00:13:00.000-05:00

What’s up, directors? Grab your knives!
It’s time to take all all of the lives
Of the people who cannot see
The somnolent genius of Tarkovsky

Come on authors, grab your guns!
It’s time to murder everyone
Who has never heard of Apollinaire
Send them all to hell, it’s only fair

Cast them all into the flames
If they don’t know any names
Of the principles of Arte Povera
Or are unfamiliar with le serpent mascara
That’s right, mascara snake!

Come on painters, alive or dead!
Give all the cretins a boot to the head
If they don’t extoll convincingly
Tempered Elan era Kandinsky

Throw them all into a well
If they cannot tell
An Arto Parv feast of repitition
From a Schoenberg 12 tone composition

Come on artists, the day is here!
And your mission is very clear
Put an end to the bourgeoisie
And death to everyone who’s never heard of me

"Art Snob Solutions" - Of Montreal

Goodmorning! Won't you be my neighbor? Welcome to my PAWC blog. I am deciding to create one of these dumb-founding sites in an attempt to organize and re-relate the material presented in this class in "non-music major" ways. This goes out to all those Ed. Theatre kids out there, to the phenomenological envelope and the ecclectic movement...of sound. We may not know the Schoenberg 12 tone composition, and we most likely will not be able to "name that tune" in class, and we DO get credit for dancing to drum beats (lets see you try it. African dance is hard work compared to sitting around listening to music all day. I jest. kinda. Being a clown mime is not as easy as it sounds! Respeck!...we should also get credit for Jetman...) This blog is not an attempt at extreme intelligent insightfulness. This is not my place for essays nor do I expect anything I say here to be published. This will be treated as a BLOG, in the most playful meaning of the word. So lets get started shall we!